Is this a good start to my story? What could I add?

Wow. I read your beginning and you simply took my breath away. The middle got a little confusing at times, a little choppy, but you can fix that with a little editing. You did a marvelous job writing this story, the names were creative, the plot sublime, the descriptions vivid and detailed. I loved your story. You should continuing writing this and try to get it published, i'd definitely buy it if it were a book.9/10. Great job, keep writing.