What do you rate this essay and what could I have done better?

I think it is a very well-written, enjoyable, and witty essay, with excellent use of similes, personal comparisons, and other literary devices, and you have a very enriched vocabulary, for a highschool student. I get the impression that either you are very well-read, or have made heavy use of a thesaurus. If I were your English teacher, I'd give you full marks for that!